I was watching this woman riding English in a jumping competition and feeling envious of fearlessness. She and her horse jumped again and again in what looked like one perfect fluid motion until the final jump when the horse turned too abruptly and the young woman fell hard. The camera zooms in on her form as she rises slowly and waves to the audience that she is okay.

I sometimes think surviving cancer is like riding on horseback. I want to stay on the horse, but it’s not always up to me what happens next. I can only work with the horse and offer trust, but there will never be a guarantee that I won’t fall.

It’s terrifying.