What have you done lately, Samantha?

Oh, nothing much, just the usual: stress test, tilt table test, MRI, CT scan, EEG, sleep depro, eye appointments, neurologist, cardiologists, an ER visit via ambulance, but that was just this week.  

So many tests, so little time.  And what have we learned about time?  Time is precious.  One doctor suspects my cancer has returned and another thinks I’m not safe to drive.  I’ve even been told I’m having migraines without the pain.  The ER doc think my problems are vascular and the neurologist believes my trouble is located in my brain stem.  The other night Christy, Liz, Daniel and Erick played bored games with me all night so I could stay awake for a sleep-deprivation test and they asked me the question that turned it all around for me:  What do you think?

And here’s what I think: No, my cancer has not returned.  No thank-you to more tests, more appointments and thank-you very much if I never see another needle again.  Yes, to some juice, please.  And I’d take my beagle’s instinct any day over half these doctor’s opinions (not that I don’t appreciate them and their opinions, but when does it ever end?!).

It occurred to me this afternoon people might actually be bored hearing about all that is happening and I can’t say I blame them.  I’m sick of it myself.  I feel as consumed by all of these tests as I did by the cancer and then it hit me; why spend so much time searching for something that may not even be there?  Why not enjoy these months and worry about it if something major shows up?  Because it might be too late?  YES, and I might fall off a horse.

I’m taking my cues from within from now on.  I didn’t feel it necessary to call a doctor when I lost my vision in one eye.  I still firmly believe it’s related to the tests.  And if not, it’s never happened before, nor since.  Bottom line: I’m not worried.  If my beagle starts acting funny again, I’ll worry.

I know I’m not perfect, but I’m not defective either and I’m pretty determined to get my life back.  The noisy horrible MRI brought that into clearer focus.  What noise!  What chaos!  What a way to frighten someone!  I’m half-inclined to believe modern medicine is a larger part the problem than the solution, but then I feel a bit guilty.  It did after-all save my life, but not without equal gumption on my part.  At that point it was me fighting for them to take me seriously and now our roles have reversed.  Oh, the irony!