I’m having a really bad day.  Money is extremely tight and the bills just keep coming; my gas bill was twice what I expected and then my insurance came due.  I can deal with that, but I’m worried about when our house will sell and all I want in the world right now is for some people to just walk through it – just for the spark of hope that would bring.  The fish people just called to say they backed out and I blew up at the girls in response when they used that dreaded word, “mommy” again.  There are times when I don’t want to be called Mommy.  This is one of them.

And yet, I have to be the calm, smart-headed woman and I’m doing it on my own with little support.  I haven’t been out except to the grocery once this week.  The thing I look forward to most is shovelling because it gets me outside, but that’s hardly something to look forward to each day.  And it implies more snow which is hardly worth wishing for at this point.

EVERYWHERE I go I hear that damn song, I’ll be Home for Christmas.  I mean I actually feel like last year was better (and I was having chemo).  My grandfather always says to put a good night’s rest between you and whatever bothers you.  He’s right, but that doesn’t help me when my children need my constant attention and supervision, meals, baths, bed-time stories and bundling up before heading out for playtime in the snow.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful for my children, but I’d like a little mothering myself at the moment.

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